imnotyourtype

I guess being forced to mature at such a young age has it’s downfall. You start wondering if maybe you did grow up too fast, or missed out on something you may never have the chance to re-live again. I hate doubts and I hate regrets. Lately, I’ve been waking up to this question, “What do I want?” Rarely have I not been able to make up my mind or know exactly where I see myself— because I’ve always had my mind made up and knew exactly where I saw myself. So now, I’m here. Clueless for the first time in 20 years. I’m not a saint. I don’t always make the right decision, and I know how easy it is for me to temporary lie to myself so that I can allow myself to get caught up in the moment. But seriously, when do I draw the line? This year I have endured HURT, more than I thought a person was capable of withstanding. I put my heart out for him to take and leave as he pleased. That was my fault. And now, he’s happy with someone else and I’m still HERE. I never thought I could be with anyone else but him. I loved him so much, and he knew it. But to my surprise, not too long after I allowed myself to open up myself to someone else. And now I’m HERE with someone who makes me feel like the world is right on my fingertips. I have someone who is willing to sacrifice so much just to wake up to my face every morning and go to sleep to it every night. Who wouldn’t want that?

This is where the confusion begins.

I believe that every person should find themselves before they try and find someone else. I know I have a decision to make, but can you blame me for feeling this way? I’ll admit, I’ve always had a significant other by my side, whether it was long term or short term. I’ve only gone maybe a  time span of a year (not consecutive) where I was actually alone. Sure, call me indepedent and mature because I’ve been living on my own since 18, acquired my AA before I was 20, am working a big girl job, and doing things people my age usually don’t do. But what about really being independent and really learning to rely on MYSELF for my own happiness? I always tell myself that I won’t let anyone else make me happier than I make myself. But when it comes down to it, I find that in the downtime between guys, I’m sad and lonely. So I do something about it. I don’t want to do that anymore.

There’s so much more I need to learn about life on my own. But what if when I’m ready, he’s not willing to come back? So then this comes to mind..

“How will you ever get to third base with one foot on second? The biggest risk is not taking risks” -Unknown

I have to take that risk.. I can’t live my life knowing that I never allowed myself to find life alone because I wasn’t able to live content without a man by my side.

Call me overly dramatic, but I think this is a big step for me in my growing up process. I just wish it didn’t have to be at the expense of such a beautiful person with a family that I have learned to love in such a short time.

I really need to make a decision.

-Charmaine

“Let’s be grateful, that the strain of our arguments, only brought us close in spite of it all.”

-Musiq Soulchild

ohwerdna:

lynettemofukka:

o_O

it’s true